When the Dopamine Runs Out

I’ve been on the struggle bus lately—well, honestly, it’s been a lifetime ride, given my AuDHD. But these past few months, perimenopause has hit me hard, making my already overwhelmed brain feel even more burdened. My sleep? Worse than ever. My body? Always aching. The only relief is when I lie down, so most evenings, you’ll find me rotting on the sofa, feeling like there’s no fuel left.

Adding to the fun, my work group was recently told we’re at risk of redundancy—alongside a dozen or so others. And right in our busiest season, no less. Enter: anxiety. I’ve been applying to internal and external positions with nothing to show for it yet. Enter: depression.

I’m trying to spark some life into my dopamine-starved brain, but the usual tricks aren’t cutting it. Late-night online purchases scratched the itch briefly, but that’s not a sustainable solution. They say exercise helps, but I loathe it, and loathing is the opposite of what I’m going for.

So I’ve turned to social media. I’m posting about my hyperfixations on TikTok and Instagram, mulling over my scattered thoughts here on Substack, and pouring my heart into comments. It keeps me occupied, and those little jolts of dopamine from interactions genuinely feel like a balm.

But I’m a small account, just a little voice in the big online world. I don’t have the energy (or the know-how, frankly) to post enough interesting content to grow my presence, so engagement is low. And, really, if I were to get a lot of attention, my RSD would probably spiral. So here I am, with small efforts that have equally small payoffs, but this is all I can handle right now.

If any of this resonates, know you’re not alone. I’m right here too, stuck in the thick of it. I know from experience that we just have to ride it out. Depression lifts. Hormones settle. Anxiety fades. Sleep returns. But right now, the reality is that it’s hard, and it just…sucks.

Are you struggling, too? I’d love to hear from you. This is a safe place to be vulnerable, and maybe sharing our stories will help us both feel a little less alone.